|November, 2018|

I have never been the type to openly express myself to people, simply because of trust issues, nonchalant attitudes, & because of how I’m built. I do not need to owe anyone an explanation. So this post is more so for myself. However, aside from what I decide to post on social media, I choose to leave my personal life out of many occasions. But because I am growing & flourishing everyday, I learned that sometimes speaking up overpowers the bottled in feelings. My happiness is something that I do not mind sharing. I am all about positive vibes & my heart is big enough to share some empowering moments to others. Aside from my career & my health, my love life is something that I choose to share (because it’s a happy moment for me). If most of you may know, I was in my previous relationship for a close 3 years. The relationship changed me for the better. Simply because I was heartbroken & felt no worthy of continuing on with life. I allowed myself to love someone before I loved myself. So when I met my partner at the time, I felt as if she came & saved me from danger. She was a “superhero”. Everything felt unreal & as if I was living in a fairytale. I used to believe that one day I would wake up & she will be gone. Everything we created would be gone. All because everything felt too good to be true. I created a life that sounded good. I wanted everyone to know that I was truly happy, despite the pain I endured before. Because everything fell in place, I thought I would just go along with the flow. We decided to up and move & create a new life in a new state. We built things together & made sacrifices. If no one was told otherwise, you would’ve thought we were married. But we weren’t. And now I understand why that wasn’t a good thing. I forced myself to love her because I thought it was right & I refused to go back to feeling like I did before her. I forced myself to fall in love. Did I fall in love with her? No. Did I fall in love with the thought of what could be “perfect”? Yes. I never knew that of November 2018, I would walk away from that. But I did. I fell for someone that made me feel complete & not scared to blink & open my eyes. I seen Neecy everyday, yet I still did not see her enough to catch my eye. Because I knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. But when she finally decided to talk to me, I looked at her and I seemed to forget about everything I had back home. Did I feel bad? Yes. Am I sorry or regretful? No. Real feelings are something that I can’t put on the back burner. In this relationship, I do not feel like I’m living a fairy tale. I do not feel like everything is all good to be true. I close my eyes and visualize spending my life with this woman. Not because it sounds good, but because it feels good. She makes me truly happy and I appreciate our disagreements or misunderstandings. I lay next to her, and I understand that perfect doesn’t exist, but better does. For a few months, I lost myself over this situation because I never had this encounter. I thought hiding was my best bet. But like I said before, because I am flourishing and learning, I wanted to let go and be myself. I cannot beat myself up again. Out of all of this, I’ve gained power of myself, a beautiful woman, and a wonderful baby boy. Some will not understand why I decided to do this, but like I said this post is more so for me than anyone else. & if you love me then you will be happy for me… no matter what. Always RapRealOlogy

🕊🥀 سلام

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